Hybrids pay for themselves? Why don't they...buy me one, by themselves then.

A think piece.

My main man Bobby S picks up on the CNN story about Hybrids paying for themselves. Sure, it might take six years - and, by that point, gas will be so expensive that hybrids will pay for themselves even faster. This is making my head hurt. However, a fun note is that an unidentified source at Galpin Ford - the kick-assingest Ford dealership in California - actually pointed out to me that...big finish...The Hybrid Escape gets worse gas mileage than the terrorist loving, baby seal clubbing, wood-burning, none-hybrid model.

But Basic Transportation, how the hell can that be? Because of added weight and the fact that - I'll say it again - hybrids only run on electricity at or below around 30MPH - the whole thing is a conspiracy to make you forget that electric cars exist, that ethanol/biodiesel is a lot cheaper and easier to produce, that fuel-cells are more treehuggy and that Honda actually made a Civic that ran on water and made muffins in the glovebox, but the CIA covered it up.

Only the last one is made up.

The General Takes a Golden-Yellow Shower....of Innovation

- GM are taking the lead as ethanol fuel innovators. Can hybrids leave us alone now?

I’m sick of hearing about hybrids. The super-dorky Prius and even GM’s new hybrid trucks. The electric motor in a hybrid only does the work at very low speeds and in reverse. Meanwhile, the added weight of the batteries, power control unit, planetary gear, generator and electric motor itself means you’re carrying a lot more junk in the trunk on the highway (and at highway speeds). Neither the Chevy nor GMC websites will reveal the weight difference between a standard and a hybrid Silverado - but it’s sure to be tremendous. Little hybrid cars are perfect for city centers where driving under 10 miles per hour is normal. Big trucks are meant for the highways, the backroads and the wild frontiers of the suburbs and the sub-suburbs. This means that a hybrid truck will rarely find itself running on electricity - especially if you’re one of those crazy critters that put stuff in the back. Sure, there’s traffic out there and you’ll sit in it with zero-emission smugness - but the added weight of hybrids, says a Ford dealer whose name we won’t reveal, means that the Escape Hybrid gets worse gas mileage overall than the 4-banger version.

General Motors is making yellow the new green with corn-powered cars! Just when I was getting cynical, GM launched their big E85 push with a nifty show truck (above) and partnerships with Shell and VeraSun Energy Corp! Ethanol is set to quickly become the new choice of performance-hungry tree huggers. GM’s already got a heart-warming website touting its benefits with tons of corny puns (stalk car racing game) and occasional free t-shirts. Corn, of course, has a few problems of its own. The corn used for ethanol is genetically modified and the government subsidises corn farmers - but, compared to hybrids which are a bit of a scam, corn’s great! We won’t ever need a war to get more cord and reducing our reliance on foreign oil will give America new political leverage (one day). Not only is corn great but GM is showing some surprising leadership by encouraging more ethanol stations (just in Chicago for now) and raising awareness.

There’s something inherently American about corn and ethanol’s performance-enhancing qualities and inherent patriotism should signal the eventual demise of deceptive, hugely overpriced and always wimpy hybrids. Compared to your standard, friendly Vortec V8 running E85 - the stuff under the hood of a Prius is more washing machine than car - and any performance mods are out of the question. General Motors might be onto a winner! With the 2007 Tahoe updates announced for the now great-looking 2007 Avalanche - it’s a good time to be touting why we shouldn’t feel guilty about driving the big truck - which, when costing only three grand more than a hybrid Accord - is looking better and better. Let’s hope it doesn’t end with a corny website and a couple dozen ethanol pumps in Illinois.