Police cars - it makes sense that they look scary

Nothing's as bone chilling as a cop car coming up on you in the rearview. A harsh grille, spotlights and flashers hanging off of it like a cowboy's gun belt. Bull bars in case it needs to shove you out of the way, hurrying to protect and to serve.

There was a time when the big three competed just for your monthly payment but for the giants wads of cash cops spend on their cars. I've owned a cop car - an '89 Chevy Caprice. The radiator was twice as thick as the civilian Caprice I'd owned before. It had a transmission cooler, an oil cooler, beefed up suspension and 5.7 liters of law enforcing thunder. That a picture of it right here.

Then the caprice went away, replaced with the Tahoe. How'd that work out? Dodge / Plymouth had stopped selling cop cars back in the 80s and cops, feds and narcs were left with the cop-killing Crown Victoria.

Chevy made a half-assed pass at cop cars with the front-wheel drive Impala. And it was sad. New York cops use these cause they're cheaper and they don't get into chases. 

But hey, now, the other guys are coming back to take the Crown Victoria's....crown. Dodge Chargers have taken over a number of places - by far the meanest, most Judge Dredd-looking cop car on the road. Chevy has announced they'll once again start making the best car ever made: the Caprice. And hey, it makes sense that GM makes cars for the government. The tickets you get from it will literally help pay for making it. You wanna think the cops won't have to pay too much to buy cars from the government. Ponder that.

The American Man Gets a New Van - and F'd in the Can

Vans do lots of stuff. Or, at least, they carry lots of stuff. Stuff usually weighs a lot - tools, parts for other stuff, ladders to reach stuff up high. And, since the Eurostar and the Astro van met their doom, the van man has had to buy pickup trucks and camper shells.

With Ford killing off the Crown Victory Cop Killer, it means that anything big, like vans, with a V8 has to be replaced by something less big with smaller engines. A lot of car companies would get clever and base something on a Mustang. Instead, they're bringing the European Transit Connect to van-hungry Americans. But are repairmen, plumbers and deliverers or heavy stuff going to rush out to get this Eurovan?

Probably not. The Connect is Front-Wheel Drive (FWD). Even with a relatively-torquish, 1.8L Diesel, the idea of merging onto a freeway with a washing machine, compressors, socket wrenches and replacement washing machine motors on-board doesn't sound likely. Sure, the Europeans can carry their cheese, flowers and impressionist paintings around round-abouts and narrow city streets in Barcelona, Nice and Stafordshire - but the American van man needs rear-wheel drive and and triple-digit horsepower. In other words, if you see this van arockin' - actually, you just won't see this van doing much. Not anything that an HHR sedan delivery can't do while looking cooler.

So, as gas prices keep climbing, expect to pay much more for all your van-man needs, since he'll keep driving his pickup, waiting for someone to sell him a real, mid-size van.

Fiat 500 coming to U.S. - But is U.S. ready? Autoblog Comments say 'Nope'.

The Fiat 500 promises unbelievable gas mileage (an amazing 39.7mpg !!!), neat style and, according to Fiat, over 500,000 combinations of engines (3 not counting the Abarth tuned version), , colours, wheels and accessories can be had!

But reading the Autoblog comments to the 'Fiat 500 in U.S.' announcement shows that American folk aren't excited about almost-4o MPGs and an interior that looks like this (right).

And, just to show off their mighty car knowledge - lots of Autoblog commentators bring up the historically crappy quality Fiat's become known for. But, the truth, is if you've been into a Panda or Punto lately - not the freaken 80s - you know that a Fiat is made about as well as any other not-expensive car. A little engine noise but panel gaps smaller and straighter than any American (as-in, assembled in Mexico) car. You'll get a warranty - if you didn't, why would anyone buy an Evo, WRX or Viper?

This is, by the way, from people who drive cheap-plasticky-interior Chevies (this picture is a 2008 Silverado Interior) and recall-loving Fords (link to all Ford Recall notices). These are fine cars too - cause all new cars are not very high-quality so why not get 40mpgs and park in urban centers.

So, open your heart to the Fiat 500 -by 2010 - you're looking at 5 bucks a gallon but a quarter of Americans (according to our gas price poll) say

"I don't care how much gas costs, not even a little - I love my truck!"

You Decide: Roush Silverado - coolest truck ever or gaughty redneck fantasty?

Roush is famous for the crazy stuff they do to Fords. And, their Roush F150 is damn sweet. Unlike the....let's say...'understated' mods you get when you score yourself a Saleen F150, the Roush is loud, growling, brightly colored and generally obnoxious. And it looks like Roush has applied the same winning formula to a possible truck. And, look at it, if they don't end up making it - someone else will. Would you drive a bright orange truck with what looks looks like a shaker hood? Would you want it in a quad cab?

My vote's 'hell yes'

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Fat girls try harder. So do GM and Ford.

We all know it's true. Fat girls try harder. They have to. What obesity can do for a girl is what bankruptcy does for Ford and GM. Desperation. GM just announced a hefty, Hyundai-like, 100,000 mile warranty. Awesome. Meanwhile, Ford is rocking your fragile world with 72 - count 'em - 72 months of 0% financing. You can make tiny payments on that Ranger forever.

Mmmmm. So tempting. Like any ridiculously fat girls, GM and Ford's offers are almost impossible to resist. The Mustang, a nice, hefty Silverado - it all sounds so good. But what's next? Like any truly fat girl discovers, incentives get old and, inevitably, they'll catch you staring at an Infinity or Honda - the girls that don't have to try to get your lovin.

Check out what the guy who runs Porsche has to say about the incentives that low-self-esteemed US carmakers throw at buyers. Porsche have sold a car or two - and you'll never catch them looking in the mirror and sucking in their gut with employee discounts, low financing or a good warranty. They get you because you want a Porsche - possibly because you only got fat girls in high school.

Jaguar, meanwhile, only wish they were 'gorgeous' - offering as much as eight grand off cars to get their fat asses off the lot.

The sad thing is - like eating disorders - GM and Ford aren't losers because their cars suck. That's only a part of the problem. Pensions, unions and, as the Porsche guy points out, just way too much extra stock sitting around - getting dusty - and old - like fat girls - like fat girls that don't do dirty things.

So, Ford and GM, stop whoring yourself out and start respecting yourself enough to hold back production until the right buyer comes along.

Or just throw up after you eat.

Hybrids pay for themselves? Why don't they...buy me one, by themselves then.

A think piece.

My main man Bobby S picks up on the CNN story about Hybrids paying for themselves. Sure, it might take six years - and, by that point, gas will be so expensive that hybrids will pay for themselves even faster. This is making my head hurt. However, a fun note is that an unidentified source at Galpin Ford - the kick-assingest Ford dealership in California - actually pointed out to me that...big finish...The Hybrid Escape gets worse gas mileage than the terrorist loving, baby seal clubbing, wood-burning, none-hybrid model.

But Basic Transportation, how the hell can that be? Because of added weight and the fact that - I'll say it again - hybrids only run on electricity at or below around 30MPH - the whole thing is a conspiracy to make you forget that electric cars exist, that ethanol/biodiesel is a lot cheaper and easier to produce, that fuel-cells are more treehuggy and that Honda actually made a Civic that ran on water and made muffins in the glovebox, but the CIA covered it up.

Only the last one is made up.

National Corvette Museum’s Commission Impossible
-The Corvette’s not just an expensive, shiny Viagra bottle – it’s an icon. But can the museum start another American revolution and put some hard cash in its pocket?

I'm not even sure why Kentucky needs a Corvette Museum. I suppose people with kids need to have a place to take them on Saturdays. They can look at all the Corvettes and marvel at what GM was once able to do. Today, Corvette is very separate from Chevrolet.

Where once, teenagers with posters of 'Vettes on their wall could at least buy Corvette's ugly cousins from Chevy lots, today, there's nothing that really shares in the go-fast-for-cheap bloodline. Nobody's going to buy a Cobalt because they like the Corvette.

However, that didn't stop one member of the Corvette museum's inner-sanctum, a GM exec, no less, from offering the museum money if it could convince 100 non-GM drivers to switch to a Chevy, Pontiac, Buick, Hummer, Cadillac, GMC or Saab.

Of course, it would probably take more than the $25,000 the guy's offering the museum to actually figure out how GM could do this.

There's not a lot of appeal in these marks for those who haven't already bought into the GM fantasy. However, if you prize comfort you've already got a Chevy SUV GMC, H2 or Caddy.

But maybe, you just want a shiny new car with two sunroofs without the burdensome pressure and inconvenience of having a job - in which case you've probably already got a Pontiac adorning your parents' driveway.

Perhaps, watching Frasier while reading books about wine and listening to world music in a Starbucks are all highly appealing to you - in which case - you still won't be running out to buy a Saab because, of course, you've already got one - in yellow.

The point is, there hasn't been a new reason to buy any of the brands the museum needs to get their money. Rumours have it that the money, so desperately needed by the Corvette Museum would go to build a life-size papier-mâché replica of the Corvette. It would have a working, papier-mâché engine and be made entirely from Corvette drivers' divorce papers.

Ford's done a wise thing by creating a halo car for the Mustang. High school kids trying to keep up the grades to get a V6 Couple can look up to the GT 500. Just think about how hard you'd pound those index cards. study guides and see-and-says if you knew that just one 'D' and you get a Malibu instead.

Something for Everyone! Except GM. Nothing for those guys.
- Malibu's not on fire.

Hypothetically, I am average, 31 and gave up on trying to be an individual long ago. I don’t really go out that much. I work in an office. I feel my desktop pattern is an insightful comment on who I am as a person. I am not the junior. Not the boss. Not quite a beggar, definitely not a chooser. I was quite good at algebra back in state school. I prefer long-term relationships with girls I think of as ‘not traditionally attractive.’ I figure a car is supposed to get me from ‘A’ to ‘B.’ Getting noticed makes me have to double-up on my Zoloft.

OR

I am a rent-a-car company.

OR

I like cheap, decent looking cars that can take a set of big wheels, tinted windows, 15-inch subs, maybe a couple pullies and an exhaust system before I dip it in chameleon paint and take it cruising with my heinas.

Who am I? I am a Ford Fusion buyer!

The Fusion's got a lot going for it! It offers a good-looking and cheap platform to get a nice custom look without having to do too much. Fusion’s simple and attractive lines are what made cars like the ‘84 Regal and the ‘96 Caprice along with the current 300 such great platforms for customising, modifying, pimpin-out or Pep Boysing up. Putting an understated body on a popular platform like the Mazda 6 means whether you read Consumer Reports or Street Source -you'll like the Fusion.

These are qualities that the current Malibu doesn't even aspire to. Chevies used to be about designing cars with looks that you won’t mind - even if you don’t like. Now Chevrolet's uncertain about who actually wants a Chevy car. The Fusion is being marketd to pretty much everyone. Office slave? Just keep it out of the bosses spot or no company retreat for you! Fast and furious? You can at least make it look like it. Space mutant? Buy a Malibu to distract people from your ooziness. The Malibu is now marketed as a family car. Though the orange SS concept with a six-speed doing the show circuit in '98 told a different story. Now, you can't get it with a stick. Generally, people buy cars like the Malibu for the same reason they get the big bucket at KFC. It's kinda gross, but a cheap way to deal with having kids.

Like with Marauder and the last real Impala that inspired it, Ford is now following in GM's platform-sharing footsteps, but with the benefit of hindsight. GM couldn’t make us buy the Opel as the ‘Caddy that zigs,’ and there’s not even plans to let us have the hardtop convertible version of Malibu available in Europe. It’s what the Brits call ‘taking a piss.’ Ford’s platform-sharing with a Motor Trend Car of the Year - they don’t have to drop anything, including their top or the price to get us all into it.

Meanwhile, the Ford Fusion isn’t not selling. Anyone at all looking for some sensible transportation - whether they be in IT, sales or even IT sales, will find something they like in the genuinely handsome and determinately vanilla Fusion. There's something of the 99 Honda Accord, the 90s Dodge Stratus, 98 Honda Prelude and a Gilette Mach 3 about the Fusion.

Its blandness is its winning formula. And, as Ford spends millions on sponsoring concerts, events and TV shows to make us see the Fusion’s awesomeness to the max - Malibu remains the true king of middle-aged people who aren’t doing so hot financially and immigrants looking for that first American car experience. Meanwhile, just to prove my very point (but in the past), the Ford crew was clever enough to sprinkle some Fusions on last November’s SEMA Show(one pictured) . And if you haven’t seen them, you should. If you haven’t seen the Malibus or Impalas at last year’s SEMA, you should get used to that.

The General Takes a Golden-Yellow Shower....of Innovation

- GM are taking the lead as ethanol fuel innovators. Can hybrids leave us alone now?

I’m sick of hearing about hybrids. The super-dorky Prius and even GM’s new hybrid trucks. The electric motor in a hybrid only does the work at very low speeds and in reverse. Meanwhile, the added weight of the batteries, power control unit, planetary gear, generator and electric motor itself means you’re carrying a lot more junk in the trunk on the highway (and at highway speeds). Neither the Chevy nor GMC websites will reveal the weight difference between a standard and a hybrid Silverado - but it’s sure to be tremendous. Little hybrid cars are perfect for city centers where driving under 10 miles per hour is normal. Big trucks are meant for the highways, the backroads and the wild frontiers of the suburbs and the sub-suburbs. This means that a hybrid truck will rarely find itself running on electricity - especially if you’re one of those crazy critters that put stuff in the back. Sure, there’s traffic out there and you’ll sit in it with zero-emission smugness - but the added weight of hybrids, says a Ford dealer whose name we won’t reveal, means that the Escape Hybrid gets worse gas mileage overall than the 4-banger version.

General Motors is making yellow the new green with corn-powered cars! Just when I was getting cynical, GM launched their big E85 push with a nifty show truck (above) and partnerships with Shell and VeraSun Energy Corp! Ethanol is set to quickly become the new choice of performance-hungry tree huggers. GM’s already got a heart-warming website touting its benefits with tons of corny puns (stalk car racing game) and occasional free t-shirts. Corn, of course, has a few problems of its own. The corn used for ethanol is genetically modified and the government subsidises corn farmers - but, compared to hybrids which are a bit of a scam, corn’s great! We won’t ever need a war to get more cord and reducing our reliance on foreign oil will give America new political leverage (one day). Not only is corn great but GM is showing some surprising leadership by encouraging more ethanol stations (just in Chicago for now) and raising awareness.

There’s something inherently American about corn and ethanol’s performance-enhancing qualities and inherent patriotism should signal the eventual demise of deceptive, hugely overpriced and always wimpy hybrids. Compared to your standard, friendly Vortec V8 running E85 - the stuff under the hood of a Prius is more washing machine than car - and any performance mods are out of the question. General Motors might be onto a winner! With the 2007 Tahoe updates announced for the now great-looking 2007 Avalanche - it’s a good time to be touting why we shouldn’t feel guilty about driving the big truck - which, when costing only three grand more than a hybrid Accord - is looking better and better. Let’s hope it doesn’t end with a corny website and a couple dozen ethanol pumps in Illinois.