Video: L.A. MPG-OutSmarted Part I - Driving the Smart ForTwo in Los Angeles

The Smart ForTwo has been around in Europe for like a decade. But, just like the last season of Friends to the French, the ForTwo is totally brand new to Americans. Los Angeles is a city known for big, bling, pimped trucks; supercars; hypercars; two-tone Cadillacs on hundred-spoke wheels, custom Hummers on thirties and phat rides on dubs. 

The Smart doesn't really work with any of this. It's dishwasher-like dimensions get lots in L.A. traffic and people do look at you like you're helmet-wearing Special.

Check out my latest Alex's Carmageddon video podcast (vodcast) / YouTubentary / iTune as I drive the Smart ForTwo through the streets of Los Angeles and tell you what it's like. Plus more on this summer's fuel proce crisis and even the environment!

The next episode includes even more interviews, followed by a conclusion clip. Then we're done with L.A. MPG and moving onto Alex's Car Scheisser - my journey from Munich to Berlin on the fast road in the world....in what must be the slowest car in the world - the Mercedes A-Class.

Subscribe on YouTube or iTunes and keep up to date on the newest, Top Gear-wannabe, online car show at Alex's Carmageddon

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT ON ALL THESE - I know you've got that kind of time!

Where do old movie cars go?

Did you know that Cheetah the Chimp from the original Tarzan movies is still alive and well, at 76, living in a mini paradise ranch in Palm Springs with his primate son? He's the world's oldest-ever chimp. Crappy comparison, but where do you think the Batmobile from the 1989 movie is? Don't know? Me neither. And, today, Jalopnik reports that the Ecto-1, the super awesome ambulance from Ghostbusters is for sale - AGAIN. I almost think I blogged about it two years ago when it was for sale to the current guy. At a meesly $27K, less than the price of a super-lame BMW 3 series, this piece of Automotive history could be yours.

But let's face it, what the hell would you do with it? Outside of Halloween, or maybe a really cool prom, you wouldn't commute to work in a massive, 6 litre, 60-year-old ambulance - I guess unless you actually busted ghosts for a living. And who'd pay for that? If there were a museum of these cars, I'd get kinda drunk and go to it. Then, the Ecto-1, all the Batmobiles, Herby and the awesome Mercury from the super-crappy, Stalone abortion that was Cobra could be setup in little stages, themed like the movies they're from. I'd like to see the Land Rover from Tomb Raider (much more-convincing actor than Angelina Jolie) and the Pacer from Wayne's World. Plus the Gremlin Limo from Wayne's World two (only reason I went to see that in the theater). I'd like to see all the cars from the Cannonball Run movies and I'd get my picture taken with Kitt (they used to have it at Universal Studios) and the A-Team van (that they also had).

The hearse from Six Feet Under? Hell, even the Suburban from the Sopranos (unremarkable, but I freaken love the Sopranos). And, yeah, the Gran Torino from Starksy and Hutch. And, yeah, dammit, the Mystery Machine - which, though a cartoon, is still special.

There's so many rich guys buying stupid old paintings and crazy stripper wives - won't one of you economy-raping bastards please buy all the old movie cars and start a museum? I will totally make the suggested donation!

Driving the 2007 Escalade - Cool, wrong, really badly made

There's too many car reviews online - so we hate doing them. But when given the chance to jump behind the wheel of a 2007 Escalade - the ultimate SUV - I said 'what the hell, let's do it.'

It goes without saying that the Escalade is sexy as hell and ridiculously roomy. But, of course, so is the Tahoe, which costs half as much. While they no longer share a platform and 95% of the parts, the two trucks are still the same size. The Escalade has an unnecessarily bigger, V8 and, most importantly, the constantly adjusted, futuristic-magnetically-charged shocks.

At one point, the Cadillac man that came along for the ride insisted, with no hint of sarcasm, that I try to flip the Escalade and - since it wasn't mine - I was happy to give it a shot. It didn't take long for me to get the four-ton bastard up to 50 on a surface street and, bracing myself for rollover goodness, I yanked the wheel for a hard left (after all, Tony Soprano flipped his Escalade and walked away).

The king of bling just turned into the parking lot where I pointed and screeched sideways like a Camaro. Expensive computers told one side of the car to become stiffer to make up for...physics. The truck was unflippable.

So, drivability is impressive and who doesn't like 22inch chrome rims from the factory. Quality is another issue altogether. Bare in mind that the $77 grand on the Escalade's sticker can buy a slew of different luxury cars. Before even getting a close look at the Caddy, I could see the seam of the drivers' door was crooked, narrow on the top and much wider on the bottom. This was without looking very closely - it didn't occur to me to check the body on a new car - I usually reserve it for salvaged pieces of crap like that Buick Riviera I had.

Crooked doors, on a brand new, $80K Cadillac. Seriously? Inside, the plasticky feel of fake wood panels glued onto pickup dashboard panels is a bit better than it was on the old, pickup-based Caddies - but not much better. The second time I went to backup, the backup camera had stopped working. The time before, it had shown the rear bumper on the navigation screen, which was cool. I put the car into 'drive' and then 'reverse' again. Nothing, the camera toy had gone too. Again, this Escalade had 40 miles on it at the time.

I was done. The Bose, 5.1 Dolby sound system also sounded like crap. The guy tried to explain that every Escalade's sound settings were adjusted at the dealer when it was purchased. 'So, it just sounds crappy from the factory?'

Maybe we, as a society, need to find a new pimpmobile? Maybe better-made and with better gas mileage?

Caught in the Crossfire...'s lameness.

Remember the Crossfire?

Yeah, no one does. And yet, if the desperate housewife on your street didn't go for its mid-life crisis tackling appeal - maybe this thing will do the trick.

Maybe this is the dad version. After slamming doors and screaming about his wife doesn't really understand him - he can storm out and get into this, Hemi-powered, 1.5 ton Viagra bottle . Cause that's what this is. It's even called the Firepower - to remind you that you don't shoot blanks. The idea of this sort of sporty Chrysler actually makes the Corvette seem like it's for young people. Check out the story on Car's awesome new website - fun fact: Car's been a hair away from publishing my Escalade test-drive for 4 months. I'll let you know how that goes.

Something for Everyone! Except GM. Nothing for those guys.
- Malibu's not on fire.

Hypothetically, I am average, 31 and gave up on trying to be an individual long ago. I don’t really go out that much. I work in an office. I feel my desktop pattern is an insightful comment on who I am as a person. I am not the junior. Not the boss. Not quite a beggar, definitely not a chooser. I was quite good at algebra back in state school. I prefer long-term relationships with girls I think of as ‘not traditionally attractive.’ I figure a car is supposed to get me from ‘A’ to ‘B.’ Getting noticed makes me have to double-up on my Zoloft.

OR

I am a rent-a-car company.

OR

I like cheap, decent looking cars that can take a set of big wheels, tinted windows, 15-inch subs, maybe a couple pullies and an exhaust system before I dip it in chameleon paint and take it cruising with my heinas.

Who am I? I am a Ford Fusion buyer!

The Fusion's got a lot going for it! It offers a good-looking and cheap platform to get a nice custom look without having to do too much. Fusion’s simple and attractive lines are what made cars like the ‘84 Regal and the ‘96 Caprice along with the current 300 such great platforms for customising, modifying, pimpin-out or Pep Boysing up. Putting an understated body on a popular platform like the Mazda 6 means whether you read Consumer Reports or Street Source -you'll like the Fusion.

These are qualities that the current Malibu doesn't even aspire to. Chevies used to be about designing cars with looks that you won’t mind - even if you don’t like. Now Chevrolet's uncertain about who actually wants a Chevy car. The Fusion is being marketd to pretty much everyone. Office slave? Just keep it out of the bosses spot or no company retreat for you! Fast and furious? You can at least make it look like it. Space mutant? Buy a Malibu to distract people from your ooziness. The Malibu is now marketed as a family car. Though the orange SS concept with a six-speed doing the show circuit in '98 told a different story. Now, you can't get it with a stick. Generally, people buy cars like the Malibu for the same reason they get the big bucket at KFC. It's kinda gross, but a cheap way to deal with having kids.

Like with Marauder and the last real Impala that inspired it, Ford is now following in GM's platform-sharing footsteps, but with the benefit of hindsight. GM couldn’t make us buy the Opel as the ‘Caddy that zigs,’ and there’s not even plans to let us have the hardtop convertible version of Malibu available in Europe. It’s what the Brits call ‘taking a piss.’ Ford’s platform-sharing with a Motor Trend Car of the Year - they don’t have to drop anything, including their top or the price to get us all into it.

Meanwhile, the Ford Fusion isn’t not selling. Anyone at all looking for some sensible transportation - whether they be in IT, sales or even IT sales, will find something they like in the genuinely handsome and determinately vanilla Fusion. There's something of the 99 Honda Accord, the 90s Dodge Stratus, 98 Honda Prelude and a Gilette Mach 3 about the Fusion.

Its blandness is its winning formula. And, as Ford spends millions on sponsoring concerts, events and TV shows to make us see the Fusion’s awesomeness to the max - Malibu remains the true king of middle-aged people who aren’t doing so hot financially and immigrants looking for that first American car experience. Meanwhile, just to prove my very point (but in the past), the Ford crew was clever enough to sprinkle some Fusions on last November’s SEMA Show(one pictured) . And if you haven’t seen them, you should. If you haven’t seen the Malibus or Impalas at last year’s SEMA, you should get used to that.

GM: Designing Disaster
-The Camaro Concept will be one of the last deck chairs General Motors gets to rearrange before submerging.
-Looking at the last decade, it's clear GM let themselves forget who really pays those pensions.


It’s proving an impossible task to look over any media coverage of Detroit’s North American International Auto Show (NAIAS) without seeing a picture of the Camaro concept on the cover or splash page. On the heels of bankruptcy rumors and frenzied industry pessimism, the stakes had never been higher for the one of the show’s legendary unveilings.


Those unable to make it to the show had to watch GM’s webcast of the unveiling, along with its baffling prelude. Only true car fiends were able to endure watching a high-school marching band doing their thing for five minutes before we could catch glimpse of the upcoming keeper of the famous pony car flame. And really, after seeing the concept which would hope to save GM, a marching band seems an appropriate introduction. The concept design is gaudy, obnoxious and without direction. Like the efforts of teenaged nerds dressed in white uniforms with big, brass buttons, the lines of the Camaro concept make a valiant effort to grasp for coolness and find it out of reach.


Online rumors already swirl around General Motors' Chairman and CEO, Rick Wagoner demanding a redesign of the concept car’s exterior in the 11th hour running up to the NAIAS - to make the car’s style "less retro" and more of an ‘interpretation’ of the unforgettable 60's Camaros. And that may very possibly be the problem. In recent years GM has almost has consistently failed to deliver the kinds of designs Americans have come to demand from their American car. While trucks have maintained the neutral stance that always made Chevy the choice of government agencies, GM cars in the last ten years have been renowned for their confusing design and polarizing looks. The ‘stretchy’ body-panel cladding of the Grand Prix and the rental-like ambivalence of late nineties’ Buicks came to replace the determined, function-driven designs of old-school GM staples.


The truck platform became the bread and butta of the product offerings and continued the downward spiral of design confusion. Pointless lumpyness and garbage can plastic misplaced on vehicles like the the early Avalanche assured that the conservative buyer on the lookout for his or her next grocery getter would be looking to Japanese rivals. They might stop to contemplate why a refrigerator built into the Pontiac Aztec’s center console should entice them to spend over $30K on the IHOP-shaped crossover, now relegated to the Edsel club (will be highly collectable for misguided, future, rich people). Meanwhile, Chevy badge heros like the Monte Carlo managed to miss all the marks buyers look for in a GT coupe, let alone the Monte. Front wheel drive and Lumina-derived re-design of the 1995 Monte Carlo assured that the drama and bad-ass cache of previous (83-88) MCs was replaced by a two-door rental car with low self-esteem and a 3.8L. It was barely able to capitalize on the NASCAR tie-in, let alone the pedigree of Monte Carlos of the previous 25 years.


Platform sharing seems to dictate everything the General shoves onto dealer lots, with SUVs leading the pack of near-identical platform-shared derivatives. Chevy, GMC and Cadillac are still stamping their name and bolting-on slightly varying front clips to the rapidly ageing Tahoe/Suburban. The new bodystyle for Suburban clones offers a bit of hope for the platform’s skin problems but we can be assured that the re-design will spread to GMC and Caddy with damn-near no differences in the exterior (and GM plug-in luxury on the inside).


GM also seemed to use the nineties to forget a crucial reason Americans had always made room for a Chevy or an Oldsmobile in their driveways. Car shoppers, especially in snowless states were being left with no option but to look elsewhere if they were in the market for an inexpensive, rear-wheel drive car with decent power - the former calling card of Chevrolet. Unfortunately for GM’s financial situation, this also included police departments that were now forced to opt for the historically inferior Ford Crown Victoria, with its less powerful and less-reliable engine and infamous safety problems. The Crown Victoria’s design faults have been conclusively linked to at least 18 police office and state trooper deaths . But it was now the only game in town and the only alternative to the smallish, front-wheel drive Impala which GM was trying to foist on law enforcement after they killed the Caprice in 1996. Even after an aggressive marketing campaign by Chevy, the 2000 Impala, another warmed-over Lumina never got mainstream take-up by departments counting on V8 power on the interstates. Cab companies were also left with no choice - and GM knew better than to attempt an Impala Taxi package.


Thus, the Camaro Concept, even when its distant relative hits showrooms in 2009, is unlikely to turn the confusion around. Camaro people will definitely snatch up whatever is on offer. And it's also likely that Camaro's reputation for being America's deadliest car will be resurrected too. But - just as marching bands do crap-all for winning the game - this thing will do little for regaining decayed market share for a car-maker that forgot about the car buyer.


As dozens of truck-platform products loose momentum - post $3.00/gallon - GM, their pensions burden and all, will only continue to struggle. With the only other GM concept introduced at the 2006 NAIAS being the Buick Enclave crossover, it’s clear that lessons aren’t being learned as thousands of GM workers continue to loose their jobs.

Getting back to basics doesn’t have to mean ‘re-interpreting’60s’models but refocusing on making the relatively simple, never slow and always affordable cars we associate with General Motors. Certain GM dreams will never come true. A new Buick will never appeal to consumers under 50 until they offer something as single-minded and inspiring as any sixties' Riviera (without ‘re-interpreting’ it), still popular with under 30s today. Other GM aspirations are more realistic, like maybe making a Malibu into a car people would buy even if a Mazda 626 wasn’t more expensive. The success of the now-dwindling H2 proved that dropping truly different bodies onto an off-the-shelf platform can deliver success instead of consumers using their budget to decide which brand's Tahoe they'll drive.

But the bigger lesson has to be that GM will always be shoppers’ first stop for red-blooded, big 'o rear-wheel drive cars. Now’s the last chance to stop shoving these good people toward Ford and Chrysler showrooms.