Fat girls try harder. So do GM and Ford.

We all know it's true. Fat girls try harder. They have to. What obesity can do for a girl is what bankruptcy does for Ford and GM. Desperation. GM just announced a hefty, Hyundai-like, 100,000 mile warranty. Awesome. Meanwhile, Ford is rocking your fragile world with 72 - count 'em - 72 months of 0% financing. You can make tiny payments on that Ranger forever.

Mmmmm. So tempting. Like any ridiculously fat girls, GM and Ford's offers are almost impossible to resist. The Mustang, a nice, hefty Silverado - it all sounds so good. But what's next? Like any truly fat girl discovers, incentives get old and, inevitably, they'll catch you staring at an Infinity or Honda - the girls that don't have to try to get your lovin.

Check out what the guy who runs Porsche has to say about the incentives that low-self-esteemed US carmakers throw at buyers. Porsche have sold a car or two - and you'll never catch them looking in the mirror and sucking in their gut with employee discounts, low financing or a good warranty. They get you because you want a Porsche - possibly because you only got fat girls in high school.

Jaguar, meanwhile, only wish they were 'gorgeous' - offering as much as eight grand off cars to get their fat asses off the lot.

The sad thing is - like eating disorders - GM and Ford aren't losers because their cars suck. That's only a part of the problem. Pensions, unions and, as the Porsche guy points out, just way too much extra stock sitting around - getting dusty - and old - like fat girls - like fat girls that don't do dirty things.

So, Ford and GM, stop whoring yourself out and start respecting yourself enough to hold back production until the right buyer comes along.

Or just throw up after you eat.

Cool Cheap Cars
-Don’t make monthly payments like a jackass.

New cars are good. New trucks are good. However, for your latest automotive purchase to be even slightly cool, you’ll have to spend at least around $18,000 American, hard-earned squilla – plus tax, license, registration, full-coverage insurance, plus washing it!

That means that, instead of spending your money on something useful, like food, a home or cigarettes – you will be paying a car company hundreds of dollars every month just for the privilege of driving a fairly nice set of wheels.

Basic Transportation feels that this is bull plop. And so, with the help of my friends and yours at eBay, let’s look over some pre-owned­ vehicles that will still look good in front of the club and let you keep your money, while occasionally sharing it with a mechanic of your choice.

Lincoln’s latest sedan is the Zephyr, a Mazda 6 with a Ford Fusion on top of it, topped out with some nifty xenon bulbs and shiny plastic plus leather seats and many, many Lincoln emblems, so that you don’t get confused.

If you want Lincoln elegance, you’ll just have to go spend $30K. Or – don’t.

Instead, check out the gorgeous, restored Lincoln Continental from forty-five years ago. White and red, vinyl interior, suicide doors, big-block V8. There’s always plenty on eBay and always costing way cheaper than they look.

You’ll feel good driving it – which is something the Zephyr can’t deliver for twice the cash. The best part? If you ever manage to get tired of this beautiful Lincoln, just sell it for the same amount.

Luxury not your thing? You might be looking at a civic or the Fit (you, lamer) for some practical transportation. $20K isn’t too much to spend on a sensible daily driver, you say to yourself. But that’s money you can spend on hot-air ballooning around the world or a bathtub made out of gold. Why not spend one tenth of that on a late 70s/early 80s Granada. The car of cars – wow your friends with your retro flava.

There’s plenty of other cars that deliver the same roomy practicality and don’t really cost anything at all. Looks pro at the office and you can park it in the hood! For one notch higher, choose a sweet little 60s Plymouth Fury or Nova four-door. They can all be had for less than $10K, - the Granada goes for 2 and, unlike the sucker ides, they don’t loose all that once they’re yours. Check back for more cheap, eBay goodness, in future installments of ‘Cool Cars you Can Purchase (CCCP).