Yeah, We're Half Way There.

My man, Bob, at Cars Cars Cars says the Volvo C30 won't be out until 2008 or 9. I say, that's crap. Why would you still care in two years? When Mini wanted to make a longer Mini, for no reason at all, they just did it. And yet, shopping the ass-end of a S40 takes 3 years? By then, Focuses will fly, Scions will turn into robots and Minis will come with about twelve doors, including four as the rear hatch.

All I'm saying is, if you have a cool car, just make it already. This is the only Volvo that doesn't look lame, almost ever (I do like the 544 from the 60s). And, come to think of it, that's a cool Volvo hatchback that's already out. With less than 100 horsepower but tons of coolness, you won't beat the 544 - and, for around 5 grand, you're probably better off. The C30 looks good in the pictures, but in real life it's as pretentious and vaguely effeminate as any Volvo.

basic transportation Celebrates new logo with customized, International® CXT GigantoTruck.

Well, we wish. There are trucks and then, there's the real thing - with a air horn, the kind with a string to pull, and big pipes coming out the top. There's a bunch of good reasons to study hard in school, and affording a real truck is probably the best. Go to http://www.internationaldelivers.com/mycxt to design your very own International CXT and stay in school.

Going down Towncar.

The Best and Biggest Back Seat in America says its farewell.

Perhaps a lame title - but the demise of the universally beloved Lincoln Towncar is a tragedy of 96' Chevrolet Impala SS proportions. The Towncar badge has been an icon, on and off, since 1959. It was the ultimate in American luxury, chauffeuring gangsters and politicians alike - sometimes at the same time. It's vinyl top kept you cool in the summer and warm in the winter.

Though it was always powerful and big - that's not what made this Lincoln such a charmer. It was simply the most comfortably caron the road (that's right, Caddy, I said it) . Before Escalades, Navigators, Excursions and even S-Classes came into our lives - there wasn't a cushier, more luxurious car to get out the back of.

A squishy suspension and supermodel amounts of leg-room guaranteed that you weren't going to smack any part of you on any part of the Towncar. Driving it too was a treat - though not necessarily for car service drivers, who racked up hundreds of thousands of miles.

The death of yet another, rear-wheel-drive, eight cylinder car (Lincoln's last RWR since the end of the LS) brings us that one step closer to the end of the American car industry. It's hard to see the point of the Lincoln brand, considering it now makes nothing but disguised Fords and the ridiculous and way-politically-incorrect Navigator.

The big, and still classic, Towncar will be missed. Let's celebrate how quiet it rode with a moment of silence.
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Good night sweet Towncar. And Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest....

Fat girls try harder. So do GM and Ford.

We all know it's true. Fat girls try harder. They have to. What obesity can do for a girl is what bankruptcy does for Ford and GM. Desperation. GM just announced a hefty, Hyundai-like, 100,000 mile warranty. Awesome. Meanwhile, Ford is rocking your fragile world with 72 - count 'em - 72 months of 0% financing. You can make tiny payments on that Ranger forever.

Mmmmm. So tempting. Like any ridiculously fat girls, GM and Ford's offers are almost impossible to resist. The Mustang, a nice, hefty Silverado - it all sounds so good. But what's next? Like any truly fat girl discovers, incentives get old and, inevitably, they'll catch you staring at an Infinity or Honda - the girls that don't have to try to get your lovin.

Check out what the guy who runs Porsche has to say about the incentives that low-self-esteemed US carmakers throw at buyers. Porsche have sold a car or two - and you'll never catch them looking in the mirror and sucking in their gut with employee discounts, low financing or a good warranty. They get you because you want a Porsche - possibly because you only got fat girls in high school.

Jaguar, meanwhile, only wish they were 'gorgeous' - offering as much as eight grand off cars to get their fat asses off the lot.

The sad thing is - like eating disorders - GM and Ford aren't losers because their cars suck. That's only a part of the problem. Pensions, unions and, as the Porsche guy points out, just way too much extra stock sitting around - getting dusty - and old - like fat girls - like fat girls that don't do dirty things.

So, Ford and GM, stop whoring yourself out and start respecting yourself enough to hold back production until the right buyer comes along.

Or just throw up after you eat.